Right, a long one. Get a cup of tea, and put milk in it instead of lemon, you're reading English so have an English drink.

Well, it has been quite an eventful month. On the 1st of May six of us went to Austria to go skiing. We would be there for four full days. We set off at about 3 a.m. on Tuesday morning. In the Golden Gate-mobile were Rafal, his daughter Olga, his good friend Radek, another friend Ewa from Warsaw, Simon and myself. Simon and I had hardly any sleep and Ewa had driven straight from Warsaw so we were all really tired in the back. I couldn't drop off and I was so bored I decided to text my pals in Britain at 5 a.m. with "I'm in the Czech Republic, wakey wakey sleepyhead, rise and shine." The only thing interesting me was looking at the strange Czech writing. All the letters had hats.

So in one day I was in four countries - Poland, Czech Republic, Slovakia and Austria. It's nice and impressive to say that I was in four countries in one day but this meant I spent too much time handing over my passport with a 2001 photo of me looking like my dog had just been killed. Austria was magnificent. Such mountains and trees! I'd never been anywhere so beautiful (except perhaps Onyx). Finally I didn't need to keep texting people to stop being bored, I could just look out of the window at the terrific Austrian scenery. But I couldn't see any kangaroos or koalas.

We got to our lovely wooden cabin and I couldn't believe it, we were in a big green valley, it was like heaven! I was brought down to Earth with the information that I'd be sharing a double bed with Simon. Our room was nice but within minutes our bags were open and clothes were everywhere. Very messy. He and I went for a walk that evening to explore the village, we ended up running across a river and getting our feet wet. It was getting dark and a bit cold, we didn't know where we were, then in the middle of nowhere we found...a pub. Wahoo. We were home.

It was strange being in Austria because of the language. There were so many different lingos knocking round the place. I once again found myself using my "Zwei bier prosze" request that worked so well in Berlin last year, then saying stuff like "Tak" or "To samo" to barmaids who looked blankly at me. At one point it got strange when a barmaid gave Simon a beer and said, "There you go," in German, he asked "How much is it?" in French and she answered "five eighty," in English! I wanted to start speaking Welsh to them, to see if they'd answer in Spanish.

Then there was the skiing. We had four full days in Austria but I bought a ski pass for just two days because I wasn't sure how good I would be. If I was having fun I'd buy a pass for the last two days, if I wasn't I wouldn't. Simple. The only time I've been skiing in my life was at the 2006 Golden Gate Winter Camp. At the end of four days there I was skiing okay, pretty good for a beginner I think. So I was quite looking forward to building on my skills in Austria. Skiing is like riding a bike, right? Wrong! God, I'd bloody forgotten everything. Christ on a bike, I was hopeless. It's such a terrible feeling, being at the top of the mountain and not knowing what to do. I was terrified. I desperately wanted to be back somewhere I felt safe, somewhere familiar, where I knew lots of people...Tesco. But it was a long way to Tesco, my friends. In the end Rafal came and was helping me ski down, I was falling over all the time, but he re-taught me how to do the turns I'd learnt last year and I made it down to the bottom of the slope. After that Witek, the loveable Golden Gate ski instructor who was also there with his family, told me about a different slope with an easier section where I could practice turns. Simon and I went there and it was much better, parts were very steep but there were big flat sections too and we were skiing and talking and laughing. The next day I went back and stayed on this easier slope all day, I had stopped falling over so much and was just going very slowly, but who cares?

I'll tell you who cares. What struck me about this trip to Austria was the pretentious snobbery of some skiiers. They think they invented the wheel because they can ski well! There were some people on the slopes from Italy, Austria, Germany and Poland who were just being downright rude. I wouldn't have minded if it was just directed at me cause I was a rubbish skiier, but Simon (who was very good) also had some people shouting at him for getting in their way and telling him where to go, like they owned the place just because they had a wonderful ski helmet and suit! What I really liked about Peronin in 2006 was that when I would fall over skiing the Golden Gate kids would be very encouraging and help me and tell me what to do. In Austria if I fell over people would laugh from the ski lift. Now it didn't exactly make me cry or hurt my feelings (you wouldn't survive two weeks as a teacher if you were so sensitive but I was disappointed in these people. Maybe some of them were just jealous of the 'Everton - Simply The Best' hat I was wearing.

On the third day my ski pass was finished and instead of getting a new one I decided not to go skiing. Instead I would go walking in the mountains. A reason why I bought the two day ski pass was because I wanted to go walking, I love walking, it's wonderful, I walk everywhere. When I'm in Wales I walk in the countryside all the time with my dog. Austria reminded me a lot of Wales, just much bigger. On my first day walking I was having the time of my life, I could sit and write and think about things. Much better than going at the speed of a tortoise in the snow worrying about my leg positions. Anyway, I could still ski on the fourth day if I wanted.

While wandering in the mountains I saw a breathtaking waterfall. I was was walking up a mountain, there was nobody there, I was hot and exhausted and loving it! Anyway, quite a way up this mountain I came to a group of benches. I sat down on a bench, then I noticed a small path nearby. I followed the path to find it led to a wooden staircase by the side of the mountain, I walked down the staircase and that's where I saw the waterfall. The water crashed violently down on the rocks creating a heavy, yet theraputic, sound. I followed these wooden steps carefully down and saw more similar sights. It was one of those rare moments when you stand and look and simply think "I will never forget this". The beauty gave me shivers. In a country where you have to pay tax for clean air (I'm not even going to START on what I think about that 'air tax', I'd write 340 angry pages here I was seeing this miraculous image for free, it didn't make sense to me. I followed the stairs down further and then came to a door. I thought that was strange. Even stranger was that the door was locked. So the only way out was the way I came, I had to walk all the long way back up the wooden staircase to the benches and then back down the mountain. But I didn't care, it was a great day.

That evening I asked myself 'Do I really want to go skiing tomorrow?'. The answer was a big fat 'No'. On my walking day I'd had much more fun than if I was skiing, and it was much cheaper. It didn't make sense for me to go skiing again. So on the fourth day everybody else went skiing and I borrowed a bike from Hermann, the man we rented the cabin from.
I said to Hermann "Hey I saw this amazing waterfall yesterday, Regaschlucht or something."
He replied, "That's impossible, it doesn't open for two more weeks."
"No, I saw it, I was walking up a mountain and by these benches I got on this staircase and walked down and saw it. There was nothing to stop me. It was open."
"Oh, well, how do you say in England? You had luck."
"Yes I did Hermann. I had luck. Now kiss me, kiss me like I've never been kissed before."

Okay, maybe I didn't say that last part. But I did go biking that day and saw more beautiful lakes and sheep with massive ears. I took photos of them, hey I'm Welsh, we love sheep. I came back from my bike ride and decided to go back up to see the the waterfall again. It was my last day in Austria and I wanted to get another look at that bad boy. Wouldn't you know it, I got back up to the benches, only this time I noticed massive signs saying 'VERBOTEN!' and more signs with crosses over arrows that pointed to the wooden staircase. I realised then that I really shouldn't have walked down that staircase the day before!

So it was our last day in Austria. We ate Zurek and sang songs by the barbecue. Hermann even gave me some of his wine. Then he kissed me like I've never been kissed before. Haha, no he didn't, I just can't stop laughing thinking about it. I was glad to finally stop sharing a bed with Simon. One night he punched me in the face when he was sleeping. I told him in the morning, "Hey, you punched me in the face last night." "Did I? Sorry." Grr. Our room began to smell so badly from sweaty clothes and bodily odours that we nicknamed it 'The Pizza Box'. God it was horrible. The police should send prisoners there.

While we were there Liverpool cheated their way to another Champions League final. If Liverpool win it again I think I'll cry. Honestly, when they won it in 2005 it was awful. That year they finished 5th in the Premiership! They haven't won the English league for seventeen years! They're rubbish! Why can't the world see this?! Come on Milan. On a happier note Everton finished 6th in the Premiership and are in the UEFA Cup. Overall it was a wonderful performance this season by my beloved blue boys, last year we were 11th! We'll probably win the UEFA Cup next season, and the Premiership. We're awesome. Much better than Liverpool.

Anyway, part 2 will come very soon. It involves Lady Pank! Get the kettle on.

SLANG
To drop off = to fall asleep i.e. 'I dropped off at about 10 last night."
Lingo = language
Knocking round = just to be somewhere. i.e. 'I'm knocking round town tonight'
Bloody = adjective to show anger, normally used as 'bloody hell!' when something goes wrong, but there are many other uses - 'this bloody TV isn't working,' 'this bloody weather's terrible'. My mum still thinks 'bloody' is a swear word, but it really isn't.
Christ on a bike = it means 'can you believe it?'. Just imagine Christ on a bike, it's strange, so we use it to describe strange situations.
Snobbery = a 'snob' is someone who is arrogant and looks down on people.
Bad boy = this means something big or good. 'Do you like my hat? I paid 6 pounds for this bad boy.'
Get the kettle on = make a cup of tea! Tea with MILK!

Howdy,

The weather is glorious and I want to sit in the sun all day. I've been playing tennis recently in Larycsy, Laryscow, Lacrysy? God knows, I can't remember, but it's a village just outside TG that has tennis courts. I haven't played tennis in years but it'd good to swing the old racket now and again. But if you want a truly amazing game you must play squash, if anyone out there wants to play me at squash then feel free...but I will take you down, I will take you down to Chinatown.

So, my friend Cheeksy came and went a few weeks ago. I think he had a good time. I introduced him to the magic of zeberka, bigos and even rolade. He liked all the food and said he will try to eat more cabbage when he's back in Britain. Cabbage isn't really very popular back home so he was surprised by how tasty it can be. Cheeksy also had to leave TG because I think we drank all the beer in town! Flippin' heck, having him here was killing me. The only Polish he learnt was 'Zywiec', and when he knew that he wouldn't stop saying it. We'd be sitting down watching TV and he'd say "Zywiec!", that was a bit strange. It was getting too much for me and I had to switch to water when we went to play pool in Matrix at 1 a.m. on a Saturday night. Not one of our best ideas. Still, it was good to catch up with my old pal. Even if he supports Liverpool.

In the Easter week I went to church four times. Four times. I didn't go to church four times between the years 1999 and 2006. I told my mother, who's a big Catholic, and she was so happy. Then on the Saturday I wrote a message to some of my friends "I just went to church to get some food blessed that we're going to eat for breakfast tomorrow," which is never done back home. My first reply was from my best friend Steve "It sounds like you're in some sort of cult, stop going to church so much, it's not normal." then my fat gay friend Richy said "Ooh, if I lived near a God-house I'd be down there getting my cakes blessed three times a day." Richy refers to church as a 'God-house' and all Christians as 'members of the God-squad'. Whenever I speak to Richy he asks me to pray for him to find a nice man because he hasn't had a boyfriend in ages. No way Jose.

In the time off over Easter I used it wisely to watch films and sleep on the sofa. I also made another bigos. Now my bigos is really good. My trick is to put in some of the hot ketchup you can pick up in Tesco, it really adds a sting. Simon went home so I had the place to myself. The greatest freedom known to man is not having to lock the toilet door. Or even shut it. That is living, my friends.

Last night we played a concert in Galleria, it was pretty good considering we had hardly any practice. We did six new songs - 'Two Princes', 'Crazy' by Gnarls Barkley, 'Invisible Touch', 'Itchycoo Park' by a wonderful 60's group called The Small Faces, 'All Day and All Of The Night' by The Kinks and 'Don't Look Back In Anger' by the 2nd best group of all time - Oasis! (1.The Beatles 2.Oasis 3.Virgin). Speaking of Virgin, I saw Doda on TV tonight miming through that effing awful song of hers where in the video she's dead or in an ambulance or something, now I can't stop singing it, hooray. Anyway, the gig last night helped us practice for my birthday concert at the end of May. My mum will be there with 3 of my aunties, so we need to be at the peak of our powers with those four old critics watching for our every mistake as they knock back the gin and tonics.

Right, I have to go to sleep now and dream about Everton winning the UEFA Cup. We're 5th in the Premier League now and the 5th and 6th teams get into the UEFA. The last time we played in the UEFA Cup was 2005 and we lost 5-1 to Steau Bucharest. But they cheated. Anyway, today we won and one of our goals was scored by a man who looks like a Klingon.

You must download 'Itchycoo Park' and 'Don't Look Back In Anger', they'll change your life. Well, maybe not change it, but certainly improve it. Oh, and I'm going skiing in Austria soon. Hopefully I won't injure myself!

Ta ra.

Miming = when a music group doesn't perform live, they just pretend to sing while a CD is playing and they move their lips. I hate it!
Effing = A polite way to show your anger. 'eff' = 'F', 'F-ing', figure it out. Normally used in a negative, sarcastic way. 'Oh God, we lost to Ecuador, isn't that just effing marvellous?"
The peak of our powers = our very best
Knocking back = drinking quickly e.g.
"Hey Dave, you're knocking back the whiskey tonight."
"My team just lost to Everton, I'm very depressed."
"Don't feel bad Dave, lots of teams are losing to Everton this year, they've got a terrific side."
"I know, it's almost impossible to beat those brave blue soccer warriors."

It hasn't been very long since my last diary I know but I realised there's lots of stuff I forgot to put in it. For example, I attended a Studniowka at the end of January. It was really good and I got to see Polonez ( dancing for the first time ever. To be honest, for the first ten seconds I saw it I thought it looked very strange and didn't really understand it, but then the dance became more complicated and interesting and I was very impressed. After that I danced some Zorba, which was lots of fun. I also taught some people there the dance routine for the verses of YMCA, it was very enjoyable. The experience made me remember my own prom when I was finishing school. We did it after the exams in a hotel in Liverpool and it was so boring that me and some of my friends left it half way through and went out on the lash in Liverpool in our tuxedos. At the Studniowka there were gifts for the teachers and headmaster, at my prom in Liverpool there was an award for the student who was the most gay. One of my best friends from school actually is gay and he still complains now, five and a half years later, that he didn't win that award and how it was so unfair. Also the Studniowka finished quite late at 5 a.m. Because we could drink at my prom everybody was drunk and getting into/being carried into taxis at 2 a.m.

My friend from school, Stephen "Cheeksy" Parry (so called because he has big cheeks) is coming to visit on March 28th! I can't wait, I'll take him to Onyx, Matrix, everywhere. I'll also make him eat Rolade, kluski and modra kapusta, bigos and flaczki (I'll tell him what part of the body it is after he eats it). My current favourite food is zeberka, yum yum. He wants to play football on Sunday with us. When we play football in Britain nobody is really bothered about the scoreline, everybody fouls each other as a joke and the main aim is to nutmeg your opponent. It's better to nutmeg somebody than to score, really. Over here the games are more competitive and people take it more seriously so we'll see what Cheeksy thinks. I need to think of other places to take him around the Tarnowskie Gory area because I can't be bothered going to Krakow cause I've been there a few times before and it takes so long on the train. If he says to me "Hey, I'd love to visit Krakow," I'll reply "Why? It's terrible, you shouldn't go there, let's go to Parkowa instead and dance all night." Any ideas where to go? Maybe Chechlo or Swerklaniec, but I don't think Cheeksy's coming to see places of natural beauty - he wants to see places that sell Tyskie, Lech and Zywiec.

Speaking of taking people places, I need to take Simon, the new Golden Gate teacher, to Onyx one night. That'd be fun. I started to try to show him some of the night spots of TG but after a week or two realised he didn't really need my help because he was finding his way around very easily. He is fitting in very well and hopefully will enjoy his time here. It's nice to have someone to talk about football and music with and watch British DVDs with. We also have a nice little routine where we go to have lunch at Bar Wojtacha on Saturday afternoon then go to play pool at Matrix. I always lose quite badly.

Last Saturday I saw a play in the big culture centre in TG. It was called "Piaskownica", I have no idea what that means. I used to work in a theatre in Wales and I wrote a play that was performed in Liverpool so I'm very interested in the theatre. This was the first play I've seen here and even though I couldn't understand a word I could follow some of the ideas about gender and identity, it had some good music too. It was interesting and different for a very reasonable price. Everybody should watch more plays!

My last bigos experiment didn't work out as well as it did in Wales, I didn't put enough water in the big pan so the cabbage at the bottom burnt and it all went pear-shaped from there. It was okay, just not great.

Right, I'm off.

Laters.

out on the lash = to go out and get drunk and have a happy time
to nutmeg = in football when you kick the ball through an opponent's legs, often people shout out 'megs!' when they've done it, it's embarrassing when it happens to you. Back home I really would rather do a good nutmeg than score a good goal.
to go pear-shaped = to go terribly wrong. i.e. Poland were confident going into the World Cup but it all went a bit pear-shaped when they lost to Ecuador.
Laters = good bye, short for "See you later"